Thunder and Lightning

I have always felt alone. 

I do not think that it is an uncommon or inherently bad feeling however, it is not something I enjoy. Let me clarify. It is not the physical longing for the company of another. It is not the desire for physical touch or the need for connection in that way. That is not something I’ve never particularly been a fan of. It has become common knowledge among friends that I don’t enjoy being touched. Some people enjoy friendly hugs or an encouraging pat on the back but that has always been a form of communication I could happily live without. I do not know why that physical language is beyond me but, that is beside the point. I feel that I cannot accurately convey deeply personal thoughts and feelings to those around me. This leads to the uneasy thunder of feeling alone.

Now, after laying all this out, I am going to break down how it plays a critical role in my creative process. I do not long for physical connection but I have come to rely on it. It has become the way that I escape my self-induced isolation which then allows me to process and break down feelings through my art that I could not otherwise put into words. I do not know if this is healthy but I know it is currently how I am operating. I wish to move away from this. I have realized it can be emotionally draining for those close to me and I do not wish to be a burden. This is not the only way I connect but it is the easiest and most effective way that does not lead to misunderstandings. 

I wish only to be understood but I am not great at communicating the chaos that is my thought process. This is no one's fault but my own but I am improving. I know that I am not alone and that there are people that enjoy what I have to offer. One of my greatest strengths is being able to listen and make people feel understood but I feel that I am unable to do this for myself. When it comes to words, I lack the strength to speak my mind. This, I think, is why I feel so alone. Sometimes I am able to collect myself and have a constructive conversation but afterward, I feel drained and empty. It is rewarding knowing that my point and perspective were understood, but it takes everything I have. I do not understand why something I crave takes so much effort when talking and connecting comes easily to most people. So, instead of allowing it to make me feel inferior, I pick up my paintbrush and attempt to convey the small sliver of peace I have found in the moment. The same goes for my photos. Capturing my perspective in a still image after a personal effort always seems to produce the highest quality image I am capable of. This quick flash of peace is my lighting.

I think it is a matter of learning how to adapt and use different strategies but, for now, I am content in knowing at least a small portion of my thoughts have been shown. I do know that I will find things that work, but for now, this is what I have to offer. I will continue to grow and build myself because I do not have another option. I cannot keep living my life isolated. 

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.” -Mark Twain.